Depression

DEPRESSION!     THE FUCKING POINT!!

I may have written this before, but there are a set of questions that people ask to assess a client/patients/mental status. Usually when I get asked these questions by someone who is trying to help me; A doctor, a psychologist, case manager etc. And they are often embarrassed to ask. (I have been probed by many embarrassing questions) After a few questions, I rush in and answer the ‘rest’ of the questions. Let me lay them out for you. They go something like this:-

Have you ever tried to kill yourself?
Answer – No

Have you ever thought about it?
Answer – Yes

Have you ever planned way’s to kill yourself?
Answer – Yes

At some point I cut off the steady flow of questions with the rest of my answers, something like ‘Yes!’ ‘No!’, ‘No!’, ‘Yes!’, ‘Hell No!!’ ‘My mother would revive me to kill me herself!’

This usually confuses the person asking the questions. So the rest of the questions go along the lines of – ‘Will you attempt to take your life?’ ‘No!’ Are you sure (or something along those lines)?’ ‘You will not take your own life?’ This is the answer where I mention my mother.”

I am largely seen as someone with a happy disposition and to be clear, it’s a façade! I cover my sadness with humour. I do it very well. But to be clear sometimes, I think – ‘what is the fucking point?’

So you better appreciate the ‘Fucking Point!’I am a 41ish year old single woman who was born with a brain injury.

After a reasonably  “normal” life with the usual ‘hopes and dreams and aspirations for a kind world, love, family, children, a career with some moral standing and happy outcomes, a home, friends, holidays to faraway lands and enough abundance to give generously to others in need.

I was diagnosed with said brain injury and treatment to which ‘cured any potential of a stroke or certain death, and left me with ironically a permanent disability, resembling a stroke!’ And some!

Painfully, people don’t understand my chronic medical conditions and doctors have no answers how someone is born with a brain injury.

So it’s completely inconceivable that what my reality today wasn’t self inflicted.

I don’t fit into any ‘boxes’ for funding and now it’s questionable even the NDIS (National Disability Insurance Scheme) will solve any of my current problems either. It’s been the only beam of light at the end of the tunnel in the last 5 years I’ve had, my permanent disability and NO FUNDING.

So should anyone ever stupidly ask the question, “Why?” She seems OK. She seems happy. She was coping.

Let me answer this now!

I was not happy! Even with a disability, I was barely hanging in there!

To all those people tendering for business and doing big money grab to work in the Disability Sector, you dropped the ball! It was all about helping yourselves. I am NOT AND NEVER HAVE BEEN A COMMODITY, in your game.

My disability and my struggle has not been for your entertainment and your resources to beg corporations for funding.

Give me a Solution NOT MORE PROBLEMS!

If you can’t – STOP HELPING

*And to the best mum in the world! We fought a good fight and there was nothing more you could have done. You don’t deserve another of your children to have perished. However the constant dealing with all the idiots just got too much.