anxiety

All posts tagged anxiety

Efficient – Part 2

Published January 10, 2020 by helentastic67

Efficient 2

Now, you might imagine having carers or to use their current tittle “Support Workers” is so easy (said no one ever). But you really should imagine it’s like having “staff” or running a busy café where people come for short shifts and someone else off site manages their comings and goings and they might work for several agencies that give them clients/shifts. Now, I’ve been doing this ‘shit’ for about thirteen years and it’s still not perfect.

I like being very efficient to make my life work best and normally the less times I have to attend to something, the more efficient it is. However, the more times I have to touch something to have it run smoothly the way it should because, it’s the way I asked for it the first fucking time, it’s always getting moved.

Of course, I have an example for you!

My carer should arrive on a Sunday morning at 10am for a ninety-minute shift. My main agency that covers all my PC (Personal Care) morning shifts has a few carers who are prepared to do weekend work, so they have outsourced me to another agency. Now, we know from Japanese whispers, the more people involved in relaying a single message, the results or the goal sets diluted and altered when your shift gets outsourced, it works the same way.

Also, because I’m not in the office rostering, but I’m on the cold-face (receiving service) I know more about the big picture. Also, because I make conversation with the carers, because they are in my home.

This particular Sunday, it was my mum’s 70th and family were converging from two different directions at my place at 12pm. Are you doing the maths?

They arrive at 10am, leave by 11.30am, I may eat ‘something’ small to get me through to midday lunch. A call to my main agency (let’s call them MH) during the week, told me she would be coming at 11am.

 

What? NO!

I rang MH and told them it had to be 10am because of XYZ. They rang the agency (let’s call them MC) because I can. They locked it in for 10am. Bingo, right?

Um, don’t be fucking ridiculous. On the morning, I woke early, got back to sleep eventually and kept waking, stressed she would arrive on time.

10am – I woke, no carer, it’s cold, so I stayed in bed to wait. 10.30am, BUZZ. My carer had arrived, late. Yet her roster states 11am.

I am of the understanding she sometimes has a catering order that needs to be filled. It’s rather ad-hoc so not consistent and I know this because people come to my home, so I get to know them.

As I have a brain injury, I often find people underestimate how switched on I am. It’s a misconception all brain injured people must be stupid. We are not and I’m speaking for all people with brain injuries. You’re Welcome.

So, I know when this shit happens, I am fully aware of who did what, who didn’t and who just said they would fix the roster and never intended to and the fact that I know this is all very taxing too.

I’m an overthinker, I think its anxiety and I think part of it is being a high functioning ABI. And the majority is my need to be efficient, because why is it so fucking difficult?

So, every day, there are examples of this where I need to touch on something to get it running smoothly.

 

Waiting Game

Published March 18, 2019 by helentastic67

Waiting Game

Waiting Game

(By not responding, you are saying you would rather I was dead. Let that be on your Conscience)

I often wonder if people know or realise what it’s like to be kept waiting? I know we are all so impatient and then younger generation (I’m sounding like an old lady) I know SHUDDUP with first world problems. But really!

Realize

Keeping in mind, despite my sometimes ‘good-cheer’ I still have the underlying mental health issues of depression and anxiety, so I’m making a stand. It’s fucking important.

Please Reply

If I send you a message, reply!

It’s a possibility I need your help or I need something. If I don’t hear back, I’ll not stop messaging you. I will consider everyone else in the world has a busy life, a significant other, husband, wife, kids, a job, holidays, pets and a mortgage.

Busy lives

Don’t worry, I fucking know, you have all the things in the world that I don’t have. It’s usually why I leave you alone. I let people live their lives, I keep myself busy. This is why I watch soooo much TV. But, if I message you in any way, shape or form, please respond.

Watching TV

I’ve had some people (family, yes, I said it) who feel pestered when I continually message them. Let me tell you what it’s like when I’m playing the waiting game. I over think, I stress, then I feel like I’m an annoyance. I feel like you think, life would be easier for everyone if I wasn’t here.

Depresssion and family

So, if you have a friend or a family member that reaches out and you KNOW THEY SUFFER MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES. REPLY!

Mental Health Issues

Take a moment, because sometimes for those waiting for a reply means so much and takes so little.

Show you care 1

 

Grumpy

Published May 28, 2018 by helentastic67

Grumpy

Grumpy

I confess to say, on some days I make my carers laugh before they even get in the front door. I generally sleep until my carer rings the doorbell and wakes me. I know, what a princess, I usually wake and go back to sleep from only hours after I go to bed, so it’s weird sleep and any coma-like sleep I get from 7am until my carer arrives and rings the doorbell is maybe going to wake me.

I stumble out of bed towards the front door, usually calling out “Hang on”. Beside the front door are panels of glass, so I sometimes see them raise their arm to press the doorbell again. I let out a low growl. I’m sure my neighbours must think these women who come and go laughing must think I am mad.

Getting out of bed

At other times like this morning, Aunty Christine (one of my carers I’ve had for the last four years) was grumpy. She has been overworked and recent leave, she has taken off work, to be a full-time carer at home for family and stressing about all of that.

Auntie Christine

I’ve been stressed about life, the Universe and everything also, so while sitting on the edge of the bath while waiting to get dried, I had time to have a little scratch.

Scratching

I scratch just about everywhere I could reach with my right hand. It’s kinda what I do when anxious, it’s also been hot, so some might be heat rash.

Anxiety Scratching

Out comes the Tea Tree Oil and the moisturiser. She prepares to do the oil on my back. The other carers have been neglectful.

Aunty Christine has a little swear about that. (We have set up a standard where she only does this with me and no other clients. I’m very much OK with it) We move to the lounge and she picks up my AFO. She picks it up by a part that was added on after it was made. It was meant to solve a problem that wouldn’t have existed, if they had made what they were meant to make the first time, instead of a ‘Piss-Arse’ effort that caused me more problems than solved.

Swearing

Christine has a swear about the AFO’s also. I tell her it’s getting completely replaced Thursday, one whole day away. She threatens to bring her glue gun to fix it.

She notices my toe nails are a bit long, we had already discussed my scratching, my heat rash on my weak arm, back and side. Basically, anywhere I could reach with my right hand. Again, my nails are being attended to on Thursday. Nothing too expensive or extravagant, just maintenance I can’t do and I’m not allowed to have my carers to do for me.

Long toe nails

Those humans I choose to interact with and the teasing make life all worth while. Make sure teasing is teasing though and don’t take it too far. That’s when it becomes bullying. Very fine line!

Tera Toons

And now, as time has passed I’m now aware the scratching is partly to do with me sliding into the Pause…….(menopause)

MenopauseSuper! Right?

It just gets better and better……..

Gets Better

 

Hot off the Press – 18th December 2017

Published December 18, 2017 by helentastic67

;Hot off the Press 1812

Hot off the Press

Monday, off to the city to get shrunk! Ok, I see my psychologist, but it sounds more entertaining to use the other term. I’ve been seeing her for years and still not fixed!

We all know, good mental health is about maintenance. There is no fixing it. It’s ongoing,
scored a great book for free, just because I asked about it. I was informed they couldn’t sell it. So, I was gifted it.

T world

Had a few brief stops to gather more goodies for a parcel I’m sending to Texas, to a blogger friend.
Medicine while getting shrunk! My comic shop, much catching up to do. Tram home and my bag was so heavy I was co pulled to weigh it five kilograms! I don’t understand how I don’t have a fully blown second disc-bulge. Have some symptoms of anxiety and no idea why. Since, I live with a level of anxiety all the time, I just don’t know what I can do to alleviate these symptoms.

Bulging discx

Tuesday, a quiet day at home massage, followed by a kip! Some admin and phone calls and then caught up on some TV.

I hope you saw my Wednesday foodie post? Ended the day with more medicine before my last appointment and this thing…

Chocolate thingy

Made it home and found my carer didn’t take the full bucket of water in the kitchen sink out to water the plants on my balcony. So, I had to, in stages. It was 40 degrees in the shade today and my first hot chocolate Calla Lilly has arrived. So, after watering the plants I had a kip for about an hour, but I just couldn’t make it. After my kip I smashed through all the rest of my chores and admin. Ironically, a friend said a while ago while we were discussing Banksie/life/the universe “back when Banksie was living with him!” What! He told me he went by a different name, let’s say “Fred!”  because it’s been a while. It’s a very small world!
Banksie

Thursday, finally got my shed put up in the car park and funded by the NDIA. So, it has power and get back out on the road. Well, the footpath……..but still. I went up and down so many times to take the handyman down to B1, and collect the woman with the agreement for me to sign. Then had to go let my carer Sana in so we could do some prep work for my bread and butter pudding. Sana arrived in time to help relocate some gardening and cat supplies to the shed, clearing the last of the thing from my balcony and the main bathroom. Things can actually settle now. Thankfully.
Hellonwheels rides again!

Rides again

Friday! Please let this week be over! Have had a little migraine niggling behind my left eye the last two days. Finally got a commitment from mum for the days I would go up to her house for Christmas and when I would come home. Mum has to drive Three and a half hours each way. So, I could finally contact the three service providers to put my services on hold. By the end of the day, I already have to reinstate some of those services. Still trying to get everything done before Christmas! Snuck in a visit to Wilbur today. Bella has been hard to find. But Wilbur is usually sleeping, quite contented on the counter.

Wilbur

The bread and butter pudding has already started going out the door.

It’s already Saturday and I’m not yet off-grid. Not happy! Must quit! Actually, had my phone on over the weekend, but on silent. Megi, my old neighbour visited, and bought presents. Now I have to find someone to re-gift chocolates to. I did the sleep/eat/TV weekend. Very happy I didn’t attempt to do anything more.

Saturday

Starting the week with a rib out and it’s one that will not tickle when my Chiro puts it back in on Wednesday. Counting down to Christmas and going home. There are two fur-kids there of the cat variety. I will share some pictures for Christmas, it I might take a break from my Hot off the Press Monday posts so I can burn off some of my handwritten older posts. Feel free to offer constructive feedback. Definitely hit me with a Like. Have a great week!
Cheers,
H

New week

Today’s Lunch – 29th November 2017

Published November 29, 2017 by helentastic67

Todays lunch 2911

Today’s Lunch

There is never enough time! And repeat! Have noticed some signs of anxiety lately. Not the kind to alter my medication but enough to take stock and slow down (as if) and give myself some down time…

never-enough-time-you-have

That said I was able to get here yesterday also before my GP appointment and it’s been a bit of a quiche week. Yesterday it was a quiche with Mediterranean veggies.

Yesterday's lunch

Today’s offering is the Pancetta quiche with side salad. (Note some effort made to style it!)

Pancetta QuicheTodays latte

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

By the time I got here I felt like I had 20 minutes to inhale lunch.

Not enough time!
Cheers,
H

Wednesday

Black Dog

Published September 5, 2016 by helentastic67

depression-negative-feelings

Black Dog

There is a thing that happens consistently, I think its DEPRESSION related where everything gets too hard and shit is stacked on top of shit and we get overwhelmed.

So, when if you broke things down to one problem at a time and someone give you some contacts or solutions you would generally think they could move/motivate themselves to take that first step, but what really happens is by then they can’t see beyond the overwhelming DEPRESSION to help themselves.

Poem depression

But they can’t!

I think it’s okay to be DEPRESSED. It happens. It’s OK to admit you are and definitely to ask for help.

RU OK

It’s not okay to sit and wallow too long and when given the tools to wait to be rescued.

There is a great sense of achievement to take the first step and make a call.

It’s hard to make decisions when you are DEPRESSED. But when you do, it makes it easier to do the next thing.

I highly recommend not just the method of putting out ‘spot-fires’ but picking the quickest and easiest solution to help boost morale.

I know I make it sound so easy. And it’s not, but onward and upwards.

Grumpy Cat

The Rash

Published July 18, 2016 by helentastic67

Rash 2

The Rash!

Trying to get to write about the thing and the thing and the thing, but I’ve been talking to a friend today about depression. So the thing can wait.

I suffer depression and anxiety. For me the depression has come and gone throughout life depending on the ‘shit’ at the time I’ve been dealing with. I imagine from 9 years of age and un-diagnosed at the time. And back then, shit just happened and you just got on with life. Keeping in mind that was circa 1980-ish (because I’m old!).

These days, my depression and anxiety has been the icing on the top of the cake on top of several other medical conditions.

But I manage to paste on a smile when I leave the house and I can problem solve like the best of them and laugh and joke with my friends (Carers).

It doesn’t mean I’m not depressed; it just means I cope better.

So, the analogy I used for my friend today who was sad that his depression had returned that depression comes and goes. It’s like that bad ex-boyfriend or that rash, it comes and goes…

There is away depression has the power to suck the life out of you. It creeps up on you and can appear without you even being aware it’s your new best friend.

I prefer not to write when I’m really depressed. Because it’s disastrous and you can’t see the forest from the trees and even common sense decision making is beyond me.

I prefer to put on some loud obnoxious music and not just to annoy my neighbours.

Music for me seems to charge the energy in my home. Then I start to get motivated to do things, cooking, organise, whatever.

So, that moves more energy and then I can see progress and then it’s an improvement.

Depression can affect people who have chronic medical conditions.

It can affect people who seemingly have everything positive to live for.

Sometimes, it’s that one shitty thing, moment, thought that can put people over the edge.

Stroke

Published May 30, 2016 by helentastic67

brain-stroke

Stroke!

Anyone can have a stroke. Young or old, unhealthy, healthy, smokers, non-smokers. You get the idea.

So we don’t say to young kids who have had a stroke, that they partied hard and took too many drugs do we?

I worked in pubs for all of my 20’s.

They were Alternative Clubs, by which I mean musically. I was a promoter/host/distributor.

Back in the day, before smart phones, when you went out to shops in retail shopping precincts to see posters of upcoming events/parties and get a nightclub ‘pass’.

I was the only promoter for the Alternative Club scene who had a retainer.

I spent several days and a week hitting the streets and sometimes up to 4-5 nights, all night out at clubs…

And I didn’t take drugs or drink, ok I barely drank. I drank Lemon, Lime and Bitters and occasionally at 4pm when my responsibilities were done, I had a Bailey’s on Ice.

I like to say, I was the most clean living person there with the exceptions of wearing leather and eating meat…

And despite writing this and explaining people still 1. Think I’m lying and 2. Presume I took drugs, even just once. NO, NO, I did not take drugs.

So you are probably wondering what happened?

Hopefully, by now you have Googled AVM. If not here is a link;

http://brainavm.oci.utoronto.ca/malformations/brain_avm_index.htm

Some AVM’s are small and operable. They are the ones that end up on those “real” medical shows. Example: Guy in his 20’s, studying hard, getting headaches, goes to hospital, they do a CAT scan.

Diagnose AVM, perform surgery.

Do touchy-feely tests in recovery.

Cured! Send home.

Helen’s commentary “um No!” Shaking head.

My AVM was large and deep (non-medical terms) mine had several arteries attached to it, feeding it and the nerve that works the left side of my body in the middle of the arteries.

They do say, if you can’t do something right, don’t bother.

So, yeah! Winning…

The Horrors

Published April 4, 2016 by helentastic67

that-awkward-moment

The Horrors!!!

It’s Friday! Yeah!!!

In my house it means, wash my hair (it’s all grown back now!) and go out with my Young Janice and we go shopping.

So I took down my hair while my Personal Care (PC) carer started her chores and got undressed. Turned on the hot water and…….

NO HOT WATER!!!!

I had a day off yesterday. As in no appointments so no need to leave the house. I had lots of laundry to do so I did 4 loads.

I had notice my hot water service in the backyard had been leaking (from the top) and it seemed to get worse as the day went on.

I had finally sent a text to a friend to rate how bad this was from bad to worse?

The suggested broken thermostat, maybe. Which sounds not as bad (expensive) as having to convince my Property Manger it’s my God given  right to have hot water and his job to take a yelling from my landlord if that’s what it took to have them part with the money.

I have those landlords who don’t want to maintain their properties, just want the money.

So, today my hair did not get washed and I had a bucket of water from the kettle and half shower.

Now, it’s the end of the day and a tradie ended up coming and he stated the Hot Water Service was Ka-put!

Glad he has to call my Property Manager, not me…

And the plumber is prepared to work on a Saturday morning because a weekend without a hot shower would just be a horror!

 

Old People

Published March 4, 2016 by helentastic67

Old lady

There are many things to love about old people! I know a few amazing older ladies. But I’ll tell you about them another time. But I love when older people ask me about my arm.

Usually, pre-empted with “What have you done to yourself?” to which I reply with – “I refuse to take responsibility for this!…….”

And I offer a brief explanation.

Then I ask them the same question. Today I asked this of a gentleman at a Medical Clinic I was at, who had a walking stick. His wife answered for him.

“He’s just gotten old.”

Priceless. Love that answer because then I can tell them I expected it to take years longer before I felt as old as I feel……

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