Depression

All posts tagged Depression

Today’s Lunch – 13th November 2019

Published November 13, 2019 by helentastic67

Today’s Lunch

Good Mental Health Day

Last week I mentioned an exhibition opening I was to attend. That whole day did go to plan thankfully, including an hour kip and getting back to the city with 10 minutes to spare to see Dylan Moran at Hamer Hall. Hilarious!

These were my two favourite portraits in the exhibition. I didn’t even take one of mine.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Opening Doors project will launch its website early December. I’ll share the link then.

Well, needing a calm lunch as my regular girl Wednesday has taken leave to go to Disneyland. With a different carer than usual. I suggested a postcard for her favourite client and I was told she would be too busy. I was serious the first time I suggested it but after that I was just teasing her.

Yesterday, after going to the AGM (Annual General Meeting) I had my nice monthly migraine for the rest of the day! You may wonder if going to the advocacy group I attend e dry on this worth the pain? It’s necessary connected. To network and connected to ‘my’ even if all the time I’m reminded I don’t fit in with ‘normal’ people that I am always desperate to connect with in some long-lasting way. I am often left feeling even more alone. Or in some way unworthy. Yeah, it’s super!

Today’s offering is a bolognaise arancini with side salad and medicine.

Today’s Lunch – 28th August 2019

Published August 28, 2019 by helentastic67

Today’s Lunch
Good Mental Health Day

It’s come around again! It’s that time of the month, when I am emotionally brittle and have my monthly migraine! Just as Mother Nature ordered! So help me GOD! (Sorry)

 


As I’m sliding into the Pause, Shark week doesn’t always happen, but it seems all the other symptoms come around like clockwork, right on time. I spend a day confused and over thinking the whole “I can’t afford to live past 65/I will never own my own home/Will I die alone surrounded by cats and half eaten by an Alsatian?/Grieving Original Helen/Finding my new identity” and this emotion lasts all day, only to be replaced by a stabbing eye-gouging pain behind my left eye(my version of a migraine these days!) and I struggle to find the motivation to move off my couch. Even though if I get through dinner, I am just a little closer to getting back to bed.


Alas, yesterday, being at home with appointments I made something num-num (tasty) lunch. Here is my panini-pressed light rye bread with salami, cherry tomatoes, marinated split green olives, marinated black kalamata olives and 4 different cheeses! Because, why wouldn’t you? Hello! A slice of tasty coon, Camembert (or as I call it: Bert!), Feta and a slice of Kraft Plastic cheese. Which reminds me of my childhood and it looked like this!

Note, how flattening it makes it so much easier to eat.

But one thing that has made me very, very happy lately is this!

You know those albums, where as soon as it ends your soul feels empty until you put it on again? And again! And again! Give it a listen. There is something in it for everyone…….it’s like a score that ebbs and flows.

Today I’ve got a full crazy day of chiropractor, then acupuncture, then physio and I guess today’s offering? So, punchy/stabby and electric-shocky! Guess I should do it on a full tummy! Today’s offering, Pancetta Quiche, my medicine and a complimentary Macaron.

 

 

Here’s Mika with her new friend. Mika and the Unicorn! Also, a great band name, si?

Cheers,
H
*Original Helen is every version of Helen before whatever this fucked up shit is?
I’ll have something more cheerful on Friday. Promise!

And hit Like!

Sleep

Published July 1, 2019 by helentastic67

Sleep

I feel I’ve had a lifetime of sleep deficit, because I’m always trying to catch up. Sleep! Sleep! Sleep! Never enough, but it’s also somewhere (bed, anyway) where you think it’s the most comfortable place to be. Except if your only disability is depression. (Not discrediting the darkness is depression, however) Get up, move around.

So, for me going to bed to sleep is pure heaven, until, but wait.

For those older (I didn’t say old) I said older and more traditional stroke, it might require two people (cheers) to roll them over partway through the night. I can’t comment too much about that, as thankfully it hasn’t been my experience.

Early day’s I gave up my flannelette sheets, I think the first winter. HARSH. But necessary as I refused to give up my flannel PJ’s because when I rollover it’s like Velcro. The top sheet would get stuck to my PJ’s and covers would just go with me and a cool breeze would go down my back.

There was a lesson I learned pretty early on and I have only had to be reminded another two times. Try this, lie on your back and roll over to one side, as you do it, try to single out and remember all the parts of your body you utilize to roll over.

Now, what happens with your arms?

Allow me to tell you what happens with my left arm when I roll over, say to my right side, my left arm will fall behind my back, which is more than a little unpleasant. Because I can’t reach behind me to grab my left arm to pull it to the front. I literally have to roll back over onto my back, onto my arm even and I almost have to keep rolling to sit up over the edge of the bed to get my arm back in front of me.

Are you feeling my pain yet? No? Ok, let me next level it for you. In the early days of my disability, I fell over at the front of my house. My left foot got caught behind a post (a supporting post) of my front fence at the terrace house I was renting. I went down like a sack of (shit) potatoes and I smashed my head against the side of the wall and my left shoulder.

Behind me the screen door was closed, the front door open and down the hallway in the lounge was my mum. She heard the meowing I let out and came down, by the time she got to me, I had levered myself up onto the fence and noticed across the street, the creepy-but nice dude in the public housing flats on his balcony. He had seen me fall and I could tell he was concerned and was contemplating coming to help me. I gave him a wave to tell him I was OK. Mum appeared at the door “what have you done?” she demanded.

Have I mentioned my mum is NOT my Italian parent, yet this is how she responded, I know she cares and the noise I let out was just awful, pain and surprise, all rolled into one.

Now, in short, my left shoulder (to this day) mum is angry that it’s dislocated and no one wants to put it back in. Officially it’s not dislocated, but it kinda is. If I’d hit my right shoulder, it would be dislocated, but my left one has the muscle tone of an old worn elastic band. So, when I hit the wall it all just move and stretched.

Again, it’s not in its kind ‘out’ but can’t be put back ‘in’ because there is no muscle tone to hold it back in place. I’ve seen a private shoulder specialist who said he could ‘fix it’ (I imagine Frankenstein and bolts) but, he said I would have ‘other’ issues across my back.

So, when I ‘forget’ my arm, when I roll over and end up lying on it even briefly, it twists just a little in my shoulder, making it a little extra ‘special’.

Every single time I go to roll over to my right side, I grab my left arm at the wrist and bring that arm with me taking it in comfortably in front on me for safe-keeping.

Generally, every morning I’ll get a little bit of sleep on my left side and it’s very comfortable, well from the belly button down, my left arm I have to straight-jacket down my other arm so it doesn’t creep up every time I yawn.

Oh yeah that, when I yawn, it’s an involuntary thing, all the muscles in my face (cheek) neck, shoulder all tighten up and my left arm comes up,  my hand flares open and it is kinda weird, but I digress, when I even briefly sleep on my left shoulder when I get up and sit on the edge of the bad, I have my left shoulder click back into place.

So sleep Blessed sleep Yeah.

And don’t forget the T.O.S. (Thorasic Outlet Syndrome)

I generally wake up several times each night with a numb right hand or pins and needles, which is part of Carpel Tunnel Syndrome and it takes a bit of upright and moving around to have these symptoms to disappear. But it’s just another thing to add to the list.

Please like and share

 

Waiting Game

Published March 18, 2019 by helentastic67

Waiting Game

Waiting Game

(By not responding, you are saying you would rather I was dead. Let that be on your Conscience)

I often wonder if people know or realise what it’s like to be kept waiting? I know we are all so impatient and then younger generation (I’m sounding like an old lady) I know SHUDDUP with first world problems. But really!

Realize

Keeping in mind, despite my sometimes ‘good-cheer’ I still have the underlying mental health issues of depression and anxiety, so I’m making a stand. It’s fucking important.

Please Reply

If I send you a message, reply!

It’s a possibility I need your help or I need something. If I don’t hear back, I’ll not stop messaging you. I will consider everyone else in the world has a busy life, a significant other, husband, wife, kids, a job, holidays, pets and a mortgage.

Busy lives

Don’t worry, I fucking know, you have all the things in the world that I don’t have. It’s usually why I leave you alone. I let people live their lives, I keep myself busy. This is why I watch soooo much TV. But, if I message you in any way, shape or form, please respond.

Watching TV

I’ve had some people (family, yes, I said it) who feel pestered when I continually message them. Let me tell you what it’s like when I’m playing the waiting game. I over think, I stress, then I feel like I’m an annoyance. I feel like you think, life would be easier for everyone if I wasn’t here.

Depresssion and family

So, if you have a friend or a family member that reaches out and you KNOW THEY SUFFER MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES. REPLY!

Mental Health Issues

Take a moment, because sometimes for those waiting for a reply means so much and takes so little.

Show you care 1

 

Alone

Published March 15, 2019 by helentastic67

Alone

Alone

Every night I sit on my couch with my cordless phone, on the off chance a family member thinks to give me a call. But do they? NO.

Sitting on couch 1

Social media is the same, I message a friend and I’m lucky if they reply, I realise I like to book a committed catch up to see people. Coffee, lunch, a film maybe. Something? But I can be content with a reply, a reply and telling me what you are doing is still nice.

Sitting on couch

It’s not lost on me that others are busy, they have all the things I don’t. Family, a significant other, kids, no kids. For crying out loud. I get it. I am without a job, a mortgage, holidays to plan.

Things I dont have

Would it kill people to send me a message? I initiate all contact with friends. I have friends that are tired and busy and they still make time for me, for lunch or something. When I see them, they commit to being sociable with me. We have enthusiastic, intellectual conversations. It is nice, it is rare.

Intelligent Conversation

I completely get that people think I’m bitching, whinging and moaning, because they only ever see me when I’m at my best. They only see me ‘smash-it-out’ they don’t see me when simply rolling over in bed makes me want to hurl.

Bitching and Moaning

Today’s Lunch – 20th February 2019

Published February 20, 2019 by helentastic67

Todays Lunch

Today’s Lunch

Good Mental Health Day

I confess today I’m dealing with a little depression, or sometimes as I like to call it CBF! I have both depression and anxiety. It’s not that crippling variety that most people suffer but the type that hums along in the back ground. The type I find I have to remind people that it’s there behind the smile I paste on my face and it’s often when I need to solve a problem around my home that can’t be taken care of with funding. It’s when I remember fondly the days I worked and would just go buy the thing or things I needed and just tighten the belt a bit later.

CBF 1

The sales guy in the Freedom asked my budget? I hate that question so I usually respond with “an amount I can ask from my father without his head exploding” Which means he quotes me the base-level.

Shopping

Sometimes when I’m advocating my needs to family to help me solve certain problems it’s painful when as an independently living 46-year-old woman. All I should need to just name a figure and ask if they want it paid back over time or can it be a gift? Needing to explain the whole backstory and what I have done to attempt to solve the problem and how it’s impacting on my health, comfort and wellbeing is another level.

Independant Woman

I know these awkward conversations are never looked forward to and in the back of my mind I’m always wondering if my laptop will die or my iPad or phone and those things will be far more important and should I just suck it up and live with my cat-pee smelling couch? I am a little immune to it but it still sometimes comes back in waves and getting a rib put back in the other day by the osteopath is reminding me how I’m sitting on my couch cannot be helping!

Asking for money

So, on a better note, here’s today’s offering. Doing something different today. This pork thing (I didn’t get the name) it’s like a pork schnitzel with lettuce and mustard with a side salad and my medicine!

Pork SchnitzelLatte

Good Deeds

Published November 16, 2018 by helentastic67

Good Deed

Good Deeds

I did a good deed today and I felt good about it. That’s not why I did it. But, it’s all the little good things in life and the everyday that helps the upside of life with depression. We always need to remember or be reminded to really enjoy the good moments.

I did a good deed

So, my good deed, I hear you ask?

I went into the city today, ironically, I was going to the ‘late’ AGM of the Self Advocacy group I am somewhat part of. Will have a migraine by the end of the day worse than I have at the start of the day, but I digress.

AGM

I cut through Degraves Street to Flinders Lane and arrived early at my destination. When I returned later only one of the two homeless guys remained. I had returned to Degraves Street to get some lunch, knowing I needed ‘something’ but not wanting anything huge.

Degraves St Melbourne

I bought a toasted ham, cheese and tomato sandwich and decided to give half to the homeless guy with his dog. I briefly considered asking him if he was a vegetarian or would be ok to eat ham?

Homeless guy and dog 1

There is a story Debra Lee Furness told on a TV interview once about giving a homeless guy in New York a BBQ chicken once, that she gave it to him, he told her he was vegetarian. (Apparently being homeless doesn’t change that) Debra Lee Furness (hey, she married Hugh Jackman) stated the BBQ chook had been organic and very expensive.

Deborra Lee Furness

Me on the other hand, my generosity more in line with my financial standing. At the café, I put in my order and asked if they could cut it into quarters and wrap half in a bag and the other half in another bag. They looked at my strangely.

I explained my intention and the wait staff told me it depended how busy the cook was. But luckily, he made it happen. I received my keep cup (of my medicine) and the two bags (half put in my bag) and hobbled over to the man with his dog. There was a small plastic container on the ground of water for the dog. I asked him if I could give him the sandwich. I told him it had ham, cheese and tomato in it and that I had been concerned he might not eat meat.

Toasted HCT

He didn’t eat tomato, but he said he was happy to pick it out.

I had to smile.

The dog of course then started to bark. I don’t know who was going to get to eat the sandwich and it doesn’t matter.

Homeless guy and dog

But, sometimes a good deed, a kind word can mean as much to the giver as the receiver and there is always someone with less than we have, yet more problems.

Good Deed Kind Words

Census

Published September 10, 2018 by helentastic67

Census

Census

Sometimes with depression it’s good to appreciate the little things to help us get through life, because we can’t all climb mountains, or save the world or have beautiful children to make us feel like we have achieved greatness.

Achieve Greatness

For me it’s all the little things and that I have a decent memory and can use Hellonwheels to share those stories.

Here’s todays example…..

So, before my diagnosis, I worked in admin, you know that generic term for the wench in the office who does all the stuff no one else wants to do etc.

Office wench

 

At the time of one particular Census I was an admin wench doing the work of a TPO (Training Placement Office) and living with my fun housemate. B!

Housemate

 

We decided to sit on the couch to do the Census together, to make it easier.

Here’s the thing, the Census asks lots of repetitive, ridiculous questions and most were harder for me to answer than B.

Census questiions

Job Description. Sure but…..

Describe tasks you do every day? Bam. There you go. That last one, I was very perplexed. My answer went something like this….

Job Description 1

“Answer calls, deal with clients, negotiate and liaise between government agencies, hosts, sponsors, management, email etc.

Job description

B and I looked at each other and we discussed what he should write. We settled on these three words.

“Lifts heavy things.”

Lifts heavy things

Done…

Done

 

Alone

Published January 5, 2018 by helentastic67

Alone

Alone

There is nothing like a letter in the mail box that reminds you how alone you are in the world, to set you down a path of depression.

Every year, at my birthday I receive a card from Mepacs, it’s signed by all the ‘staff’ that work for them.

Birthday Card

Remember Mepacs…..

Mepacs

And I am very well aware the staff signed a card which was sent to the printers to use as a template or “whatever” and then they printed off 50 thousand printed birthday cards and then one eventually gets sent to me.

Some of the facts and figures there might be a little off, however the facts remain the same. With the card came a letter basically asking for an update of my contacts.

Contact details

Now, the first point of call, if I don’t hit the button by 9.30am in the morning is ME! I know, it sounds a little ridiculous. But my ‘in case of emergency’ contacts are my mum (3.5 hours away) and this letter reminded me I need to contact person is within thirty minutes from me.

Emergency Contact

I don’t have anyone….

Alone and Depressed

Today’s Lunch – 3rd January 2018

Published January 3, 2018 by helentastic67

Todays Lunch 0301

Today’s Lunch

Well, the first few Wednesday’s of the New Year are a bit of a shambles. My favourite cafe is shut for a break which is completely understandable. Between my home and my first appointment, there are plenty of options for cafes to discover with great food and medicine.

Shambles

However, I try to have my lunch a short walk to my chiropractor and the benefits of my favourite cafe is that I can be guaranteed of options no matter how busy they have been or if they are likely to have run low on savoury type options. The other plus is I know roughly what lunch will cost me. It’s not a huge expense generally setting me back less than $15. Occasionally, I’ve attempted to save the money however, the benefits to getting out around normal people and activities is worth the expense.

Going out to lunch

With my recent relief of now paying less rent, I thought I’d get out and about locally on another weekday, staying close to home. As mentioned on Mondays post and I might sneak in a description and picture the following Wednesday. It’s now Wednesday and while I was out on Saturday that’s not my normal routine. So, I would now be admitting I haven’t left the apartment since Friday late. Wednesday’s are also the day I like to do my Out-Reach! I text a great deal. I shoot messages to friends to check on their mental health some respond, others don’t. But the point is they know I care. It also sends the message think it’s ok to not have it all together all of the time. I have friends who have a series of health problems or what seems like the perfect life. Wife, kids, job all those things, but they have times of great distress or depression. My point, is erroneous can suffer depression, everyone’s emotions are valid. And it’s ok to have days you feel like crap emotionally, as long as you know not to catastrophise and let it snowball.

Depression

The next day, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get on with living. I like to look for all the little things in life to get joy from.

Finally, I made it to a cafe close to home and I made it there just in time for their kitchen to be closed!

Not happy and starving, I managed to get an almond croissant, not from my favourite cafe and medicine.

Almond CrossontMedical Latte

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I shall plan better next week.
Cheers,
H

Happy Wednesday

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