Lonely

All posts tagged Lonely

Tears

Published April 22, 2019 by helentastic67

Tears

There are sometimes these days when I have a superpower, I never knew I had. I can make my carers cry. What? I know, it’s not on purpose.

It’s often the best conversations with my carers about all things ‘Helen’ (for want of a better term) the things that have moulded me and made me the person I am today.

This particular day, I told my carer about what it was like in the early 80’s in my family after the death of my fifteen-month-old sister.

She had been born on my eighth birthday and for fifteen months I helped bath her, change nappies, do “mum stuff” and we had one birthday together where we had an Ice Cream cake and we were both sick. We have a photo to commemorate the day. Very understated and in the last month of her life, she was taken to the local hospital in the country town where I grew up. The doctors, I believe misdiagnosed her, but by this stage she had already likely had a stroke. She was flown to Melbourne and within a (hear me flown to Melbourne.) month she was gone. My parents had to make the decision to turn off her life support.

I recall a family visiting us and the father distinctly placed a dining chair in a location, so he could sit with his back to a photo of Linda (that was her name) so he couldn’t see it.

There is an assumption when a child dies, that you should rid your home of all the photos and things that remind you of them, almost as if they had never existed, which seems wrong.

To be clear Linda died from a huge tumor.

After a while, because family and friends just didn’t know how to help or were just too sad, they just decided to stay away.

From nine years old, for a good few years, life was really lonely. I then told my carer a story of a friend of mine in the ABI community who passed away about six years ago.

I had to stop going to the place I would see him, because when my taxi arrived, I would be crying silent tears and the poor driver would not know what to do (poor bastard). I had to stop going, but whenever I return for a rare one off gathering, I sat somewhere I cannot dart my eyes towards the picture of him. I used to get through our gatherings always casting a look in his direction and we seemed communicate so much with our eyes. Anyway, more of him another day as I can feel the tears.

So yes! My superpower is I can make people cry, but it’s usually when my voice breaks a little and in crying.

Next time I want a better super power. Feel free to comment below as to what your super power is or would want it to be.

No cliché, X-ray vision or invisibility please.

 

Waiting Game

Published March 18, 2019 by helentastic67

Waiting Game

Waiting Game

(By not responding, you are saying you would rather I was dead. Let that be on your Conscience)

I often wonder if people know or realise what it’s like to be kept waiting? I know we are all so impatient and then younger generation (I’m sounding like an old lady) I know SHUDDUP with first world problems. But really!

Realize

Keeping in mind, despite my sometimes ‘good-cheer’ I still have the underlying mental health issues of depression and anxiety, so I’m making a stand. It’s fucking important.

Please Reply

If I send you a message, reply!

It’s a possibility I need your help or I need something. If I don’t hear back, I’ll not stop messaging you. I will consider everyone else in the world has a busy life, a significant other, husband, wife, kids, a job, holidays, pets and a mortgage.

Busy lives

Don’t worry, I fucking know, you have all the things in the world that I don’t have. It’s usually why I leave you alone. I let people live their lives, I keep myself busy. This is why I watch soooo much TV. But, if I message you in any way, shape or form, please respond.

Watching TV

I’ve had some people (family, yes, I said it) who feel pestered when I continually message them. Let me tell you what it’s like when I’m playing the waiting game. I over think, I stress, then I feel like I’m an annoyance. I feel like you think, life would be easier for everyone if I wasn’t here.

Depresssion and family

So, if you have a friend or a family member that reaches out and you KNOW THEY SUFFER MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES. REPLY!

Mental Health Issues

Take a moment, because sometimes for those waiting for a reply means so much and takes so little.

Show you care 1

 

Pets

Published December 15, 2017 by helentastic67

Friday look

Pets

I know someone, not really a friend, but an acquaintance I guess. She has two cats and a dog and a husband and a job. Whatever, irrelevant.

She told me once how her cats would go out the pet door and play during the day and when she returned home, she would do a ‘head count’. She would find them lined up in the lounge.

Head count went something like this.

‘Cat, cat, dog.’

2 cats and a dog

One day the head count went something a little different.

‘Cat, cat, cat, dog.’

Extra cat

What the?

Apparently, they had bought home a friend.

Reminds me of this……

 

Meerkats

 

 

Last week, I went to put something away in the linen cupboard, I stopped at the fridge in the kitchen spotting something in the laundry.

There was a black and white thing ‘eating Jamima’s food!’

Visitor

“Hey!” and some other inappropriate words.

The back door was open and Jamima had obviously came back inside and clearly this ‘thing’ that feels our home is its second home, decided to come inside.

The ‘thing’ scrambled away.

I guess Jamima just lost her privileges to come and go from the backyard as she pleases.

It’s really ordinary feeling when you feel like you’re on the outside looking in or the inside looking out.

Looking outside

No one understands or seems to care to try to understand. They don’t seem to care that your being left out.

It’s cold and lonely out here and the sharpest uncaring comment has the power to lead me to tears.

It’s a really shitty place in a family to feel like the black sheep.

Black sheep

Now, to cry myself to sleep.

Friday

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